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"How to Install Software -- A 12-Step Program"
by Dave Barry
(from his new book, "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
box that explains what kind of computer system you need to
run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting thesoftware. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either
a 3.5- inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside
a sealed envelop that says :
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody
ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the
U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of
the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms
and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall
deed necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the
user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part,
one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,...
finders keepers, losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name
of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in
the appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+-----+ +------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-----+ +------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
whirring for a very long time while the installation program
does who knows what in there. Some installation programs
can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done,
your computer has been transformed into an
entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories , sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your
hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with
names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat, " and "doo.wha.."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks,
insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*)$*!#$_$*&
11. At this point your computer system should become less
functional than the federal government,
refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you,
in clear, step-by-step manner,
how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.